Too often, we know what we need to do. We simply don’t do it. We know that we should order a salad instead of a double-sized burger. Or that we should read a book, not stare motionless at our TV – a.k.a. start binging another season of whatever. And yet, we surrender to activities providing us with quick wins instead of practicing such that are in accordance with our desired personality.
This piece is a continuation of my post on changing bad habits with good ones. But worry not, it can be read independently.
I’m presenting useful self-regulation strategies for adults.
And before you enthusiastically ask: “What is self-regulation?”
Let’s have a quick look at why it’s needed in habit formation…
I am going to start out by assuming that you are approximately as unhappy with your current habits as the rest of the world.
Everyone wants good habits. To have a nice physique. Enough money in the bank account. A bookshelf of finished books, not “to read one day” books.
And everyone wanting these things usually ends up purchasing a set of courses, books, or glancing through articles (similar to this one) that talk about habits and how many days does it take to break a habit?
But as you can probably sense. It’s not access to the information we struggle with. We struggle with implementing the information we have access to.
In relation to information, we have more than what we intend to consume – and apply.
The reason we don’t follow the tips from the gurus is quite simple: we are freaking tired.
It’s hard to resist the comfortable sofa and the additional desert when your whole day is one extremely long work day.
I mean, we, as adults – and commonly as parents too. Don’t only have to work hard in the office. We have to work even harder outside the office.
Dinner needs to be made. Homework needs to be checked. Everyone should be transported to the correct place in the big city – i.e., kindergarten, school, additional classes, and then back home. And while doing all of these, you also need to defend your home from the chaos constantly trying to turn it into a pit hole from hell.
It’s no wonder why after tucking your kids for a good night, you collapse in the corridor while attempting to reach the bed.
But also, this level of tiredness is steering you towards activities that feel good now but are deteriorating your future condition.
To so-called bad habits.
But there is a common misconception in relation to bad habits. I mean, we don’t consider things like smoking, drinking, or eating too many deserts bad. No. Society calls them such for sure. But we think about these activities as saviors. Helpful companions that transport us to a more enjoyable state of mind. This, in turn, makes the agonizingly hard daily life a more bearable place.
For instance…
- You don’t smoke because you fancy the smell of cigarettes. No. You smoke because it makes you feel good now.
- You don’t drink because you adore the taste of liquor. No. You drink because it makes the whole tedious day a bit more bearable.
And though we sometimes recognize the need to divorce certain activities. To replace watching TV with exercising. Drinking vodka with drinking water. Smoking with not smoking. Reading social media posts with reading quality books.
We are unable to make the switch not from a practical perspective – we know that these changes are good. But from an emotional and psychological perspective.
We think the following: “Why retire the only things that give me daily pleasures with more things that will require extra work?”
But the reality is always this:
If it’s easy to do, it’s not worth doing.
If it’s hard to do, it’s surely worth doing.
That’s where self-regulation kicks in.
A skill that will help you stay committed to your long-term goals and desired identity.
After all of the above. Let’s finally see what exactly is self-regulation…
What is Self-Regulation?
Self-regulation is the ability to pause between feeling and action so you can react to a situation in a healthier way.
Daniel Kahneman will probably call it slow thinking.
James Clear will probably say that it’s delayed gratification.
But the term itself is defined best by Andrea Bell, a practicing therapist:1
“It’s control [of oneself] by oneself.” Andrea Bell
A person with strong self-regulation can…
- Resist impulsive behavior.
- Moderate his mood when he’s feeling down.
- Think critically before reacting to an unfamiliar situation.
In contrast, a person with poor self-regulation will…
Hey there, sorry to interrupt…
Since you’ve come this far, it seems that you are passionate about pursuing depth over distraction. I am too! And while what I’m about to say next probably won’t quite excite you, I have to say it…
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- Andrea Bell also wrote the following piece on self-regulation (here) that you can find helpful. Check Andrea Bell’s page on GoodTherapy.org.
- The below findings are from the following paper: Duckworth, Angela & Grant, Heidi & Loew, Benjamin & Oettingen, Gabriele & Gollwitzer, Peter. (2011). Self-regulation strategies improve self-discipline in adolescents: Benefits of mental contrasting and implementation intentions. Educational Psychology. (LINK)
