About Fears

When I was a teenager, I was bold. I acted as if I wasn’t afraid of anything especially when I was trying to impress a girl. Of course, that wasn’t the case. For example, I was (and I still am) horrified by cockroaches and seeing one, even from afar, can make me scream like a blond girl in a horror movie. Thankfully, I no longer have to hide this phobia from the world nor practice my dating skills – which by the way sucked – because a couple of years ago, I’ve managed to convince a girl to date me and, thank God, she is fearless.

My wife knows that I’m scared to death by these little bugs. If there’s an intruder in the house, or potential threat coming our way, she’s the one that will handle the situation and liberate our souls from these tiny but nonetheless, mysteriously scary creatures.

Sharing this can make you doubt my manhood but, to be honest, I feel hell lot better by this openness. And besides, she is still with me knowing that I’ll probably run if we’re invaded by a swarm of bugs. And that’s one of the many reasons I love her.

With this in mind, I wanted to say that we don’t talk enough about what we’re really afraid of. About what we’re shit scared of. And here I don’t mean spiders, the boogyman, or dropping your keys down an elevator shaft. I mean things related to the work we do, to our overall existence, to the future.

Such things usually consume our minds and keep up awake all night for many nights causing permanent sleep disturbances. Yet, we rarely share them with others because we think they’ll laugh.

So, I’ll go first. I’ll share with you my deepest fears and prompt you to do the same. I personally felt a lot better at the end of this post and I believe this exercise will have the same positive effect on you if you decide to do it.

Afraid of settling down

Here I don’t mead settling down in terms of home and family. I love that. It’s something else.

Let me explain…

When we get older, we have the tendency to loosen up. To neglect our health and our body. We start eating and drinking more than we have to and at the same time, we don’t move a lot. Or in other words, we settle down with our boring job and with our current condition. We no longer strive for more in terms of achievements. Our only ambition becomes going home and indulging ourselves in mindless activities – watching TV, playing video games, drinking…

My fear is that this type of lifestyle will catch up with me sooner or later, corrupt my mind and turn me into a zombie consumer who’s only interested in what’s on TV – or the upcoming future streaming platform that will be “I my gosh” so popular.

Afraid of this project failing

I’ve been publishing content on this website for nearly 2 years. And while it feels great to share what I learn from the books I read, I’m worried that if I don’t make it profitable soon, I’ll drop it and look for something else to do (the above fear).

I do have paying members and I relatively often receive praise for my work – which, by the way, is the best thing ever – but it’s still not enough. That’s why some days I feel like I’m talking to myself and that there’s no point in continuing.

The traffic to my site is idle with few spikes every now and then but definitely not worthy of bragging. It’s either because the sacred internet algorithms are not interested in my content – i.e. not placing my site high in the search results – or simply the content I publish sucks. I force myself to think that it’s the former because if it’s the other reason I’ll probably ditch this project and move on.

After all, like any other human being, I want to see tangible results for the efforts I put in. This way I know that my time is not spent in vain.

Afraid of losing motivation

Reading self-help books definitely have a positive effect on me.

My daily ritual now includes waking up at 05:15 am, exercising for around 30 minutes, writing for 3 hours, reading twenty to 30 pages a day, attending my 9 to 5 job, spending time with my son and wife, and even helping with the dishes.

Thanks to this routine I’m able to read a book a week, publish content regularly on my site, and also run my newsletter. My aim is to create one of the best sites out there for learning and becoming a better human being.

And I’m not saying this to brag or something. I’m sharing it to tell you how much I can lose.

I fear that someday my motivation will crumble, that I’ll lose my focus and my purpose. If this ever happens, please, hit me hard. Grab a big bat and swing right at me so I can come to my senses.

Afraid of pushing my son too hard

As I just mentioned, I’m an overly ambitious guy. I have big future plans which, surely, include my son. I want to teach him all of the lessons I’ve learned through the years and also help him avoid the mistakes I did.

On top of that, motivate him to become a great human being. Successful. Smart. Outgoing. Moreover, support him in creating big, world-saving projects that can potentially help millions of people around the world.

Yes, I’m that type of guy.

However, I also know that pushing him too hard won’t lead to anything productive. When I was younger, I always did the opposite of what my parents told me. My guess is that my son will have a similar attitude (because, karma?).

Or in other words, I’m absolutely terrified of the possibility that my desire for my son to become the best of his field of choice will alienate us.

If I push too hard, he’ll try to do the opposite. If I push too little, he might choose to settle with a low paid job with no potential but just enough income to cover for his video games.

Afraid of pushing away my wife

I’m here for the long run and I don’t plan to quit anytime soon. Actually, what I wrote about giving up on this site? Scratch that. I will never stop until this site becomes one of the best sites out there for learning.

I’m not doing this solely because of pure selfishness and desire to indulge my male ego. I want to make it because someday, I want writing to turn into my main thing. When I get older, I imagine myself writing on the porch of my villa while my son is playing outside and my wife is attending the garden or doing whatever she wants.

But the path to get to where I dream about is going to be a long one. It will take time – a lot of time from what I can sense – to get there.

And since I’m busy writing and trying to create a better future for my family – at least that’s how I imagine things – this means that I’m not giving the much-needed attention my wife deserves. Even though she’s kind of used to my “busy” schedule I know that I should do better.

All of the fears are connected when I think about it. I fear that my wife will leave me because of my desire to become a full-time writer. But if I don’t write, I’ll never become what I strive to be. So, I’ll either have to ditch the project or wait for my wife to get tired of my excessive ambition.

The answer lies somewhere in between, I know. And it’s up to me to figure it out. Only if she knew though. Knew my real intention and my fears. Probably she could understand me better and forgive me for the times I’m not around…

I’m still not quite sure how I’ll handle everything from the list above. Still, I’m certain for one thing – it will take time and hard work. And more importantly, a no quit attitude.

Giving up is not an option. Slowing down neither. So, I just need to find the right way to pass on this information to my loved ones without sounding to invasive.

Have suggestions? Love to hear your thoughts – contact me...

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