Actionable Book Summary: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson
The Book In Three Or More Sentences:
An honest self-help book that’s totally different from anything you’ve read before. Mark throws the advice our minds were fed all these years: positive thinking and follow your passion, in the trash and explains in details what you should really do if you want to be a bit happier than before. His writing is harsh and even brutal at some points – as you can see from the title – but that’s what we really need if we want to make a difference.
The Core Idea:
If you give a fuck about too many things you won’t have enough time and nerves to give a fuck about the important things in your life.
It’s a total mindfuck and it doesn’t sound serious, but if you really think about it you’ll understand that this simple sentence is the essence of living the good life.
We’re bombarded by all sorts of notifications, offers, sales pitches. We have jobs, friends, family, and all these things lead to some sort of tension. If we acknowledge and think about everything that enters our radar we’ll go nuts.
Our minds are crowded with different thoughts and the only salvation is through not giving a damn about most of the things you see.
Mark is trying to help us realize that things will inevitably suck sometimes and this is cool. Help us prioritize our values in life and convince us that there is more in life than chasing another buck, or getting a bit more fame and attention.
Through not giving a fuck about the things that don’t add any value in your life you’ll find what’s really important.
Being Wrong Matters
What’s the point of always being right?
If you want to learn something new, and you are constantly right, or you think you are, you’re actually blocking your mind from learning this new thing. Or, you are simply afraid of facing the facts, which in most of the cases are: you are fucking wrong most of the time.
Few hundred years ago we thought that the Earth was flat. In the 18th century Sigmund Freud argued that clitoral orgasms were signs of mental illness. When I was a little boy I thought that tomatoes are poisonous (because they are red).
Being wrong plays a huge role in our daily lives. Even if you are right for one thing, the chance for you being wrong about other 5 things are extremely high. We are simply afraid to admit it.
Our mistakes help us grow and change in a positive direction. However, this is only true if we take the time to observe the reason for the failure and take notes so we can avoid similar situations. Basically, embrace the failure and grow a desire to become a better person.
Because blindly failing at tasks again and again won’t magically complete them or help you accomplish them better the next time. You need to actually want to become better. Each failure is an opportunity to learn something new and exciting. Something, that might transform your life and direct it into towards a positive path.
You can be truly successful only if you are willing to fail at it a thousand of times.
If someone is better than you at something, then it’s likely because he has failed at it more than you have.” Mark Manson
I hate when people are not taking responsibility for their own lives. Mark makes a great point in his book about why you necessarily need to stop playing a victim all the time and start being a responsible human being.
Most of the time I hear these words coming out of the people around me: “It’s not my fault”; “Someone else put these things here”; “I grew up in the wrong neighbourhood”; “My parents didn’t have enough money to send me to college”; “This is not part of my job”; ”He is rich because of his parents”.
Some people choose to believe that there is nothing they can do to solve their problems. Such people are playing the victim and seek to blame others, or outside circumstances, for their problems and misfortunes.
Why they do it?
Because it’s easier. Denial gives us a quick adrenaline rush and a shortcut to escape our current problems. At least for a short period of time.
On the other hand, solving problems and tackling nasty situations takes guts and will. But the more you do the hard thing the more positive things will come into your life.
We, individually, are responsible for everything in our lives, no matter the external circumstances.
Even though we don’t always control what happens to us. We control how we interpret what happens to us, as well as how we respond.
Sitting and waiting for something good to happen is probably the dumbest idea you might ever come up with.
Often people are too scared or lazy to do something better with their lives. They wait for A to happen first, so they can start working on B, which supposedly is their goal for ultimate happiness: “I will first graduate and I will look for a job later.”; “I must first lose 10 kilos to ask Jenny to go out on a date with me.” ; “I must first come with a brilliant, groundbreaking idea in order to start a business. “; “I have to buy a new laptop and then start online venture.”
Great authors don’t wait for their muse in order to start writing, they simply sit on their but holes and execute daily, regardless. World famous athletes surely want a bit more sleep, still, they are following a strict schedule full of exercises and meals they don’t really love eating.
If you want to achieve something, anything, you must execute daily, regardless of your emotional, financial or physical condition. Life, people, your boss don’t give a shit about how you feel today. You may have a fever or a breast cancer, but that won’t save you from bird pooping on your head or a robber stealing your purse.
Satisfaction From Less
Living in the 21st century comes with its perks but also with its downsides. We get to choose from millions of different products, opportunities, food, people to fell in love with, still, immediately after we buy something, or start dating someone, we think to ourselves: “I had to buy the other pair of shoes #sadface”.
Living in a small apartment, with just a few clothes and only the essentials, is a sign of poverty nowadays. At least, this’s what the society says. We are constantly bombarded by notifications about exotic places, new watches, phones, gadgets that will supposedly transform our lives.
But that’s not all.
Everyone around you is trying to convince you that you suck if you don’t get his new book or new course about habits and stuff.
Everyone around you is telling you that more will make you happier.
Believing in this modern mantra comes with a few (at least) downsides:
You will never be truly satisfied;
You will never have enough room to store all of your clothes;
You’ll most probably get in a lot of financial debt if you’re trying to be up to date with the latest technological trends;
Your mind will be cluttered with new and exciting opportunitues.
Is there a solution?
There surely is.
Rejecting most of these offers will free us some space, both mental and physical, for the things that are actually worth it.
Choosing a certain value, craft, person to be with, means rejecting the alternatives. As Mark describes it in his book: “If I choose to make my marriage the most important part of my life, that means I’m (probably) choosing not to make cocaine-fueled hooker orgies an important part of my life… We all must give a fuck about something, in order to value something. And to value something, we must reject what is not that something. To value X, we must reject not-X.”
Rejecting things is necessary if we maintain sanity. However, it gets harder with each new product and each new idea sold to us like “the best new thing on the market.”
Learning to live with less, and rejecting most of the things that knock on our door will makes our lives better overall.
Play With What You’ve Got
Our lives can easily be likened as a game of cards. We get certain cards when we’re born. Some of us get better cards than others. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you will win the “game”.
There are a lot of famous, successful people who had nothing when they were little: no money, no professional education, sometimes even no parents. Still, with hard work and a lot of courage they are now widely successful.
On the other hand, we all know people who had pretty much everything even before they are born. Kids, who were fed with a silver spoon through their entire lives. The perfect set of cards. Unfortunately, even though they had the ideal chance for achieving greatness we often see such people end overdosed in a dark alley.
So, it’s not about the set of cards you get, it’s about playing well with what you’ve got. Playing not to get out of the game, but playing to stay in the game.
It’s all about the choices you’re making during your lifetime.
Choose carefully what to give a fuck about and what not to: Worrying too much about what picture to share on your social media account is definitely something that falls under the “don’t give a fuck” category.
Always be honest with yourself: Hearing the truth is usually unpleasant but it’s absolutely necessary. Also the pain, from hearing the truth, it’s the most effective spurring action.
We’re all going to die: That’s a fact. So, since sometime soon we’ll no longer be part of this circus, think about what you can do/create, that will benefit generations to come.
Commentary And My Personal Takeaway
A modern self-help book that doesn’t include the typical shitty – mentioned in all other books in this genre – you-can-do-it kind of stuff, that obviously doesn’t work.
It’s a real book for real people. And as you can see for yourself when you read the tittle, a book that includes fucks. After the practical tips, the useful philosophy input, you finally realize why the F word is so broadly used. Because, in the end, you finlly realize that life, in general, is not about giving too many fucks, it’s about giving a fuck about fewer things. But it turns out, that the second option is way better.
In life, we have a limited amount of fucks to give. So you must choose your fucks wisely.”
Who you are is defined by what you’re willing to struggle for.”
The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”